little marilyn looking a bit ‘out-of-it’!
Writing those words. . .’out-of-it’. . . .realised that’s a phrase that’s familiar. . .been expressed often. . .over the years. Now. . .. this is a first. . .a big day. . . .the first time EVER. . .I’ve written about ‘Disability’. Well first. . .the version in the dictionary. . .’inability to do something e g pursue an occupation because of physical or mental impairment, handicap, legal disqualification’. . . .’Disable’ – to deprive of, to cripple.
And the Thesaurus (one of my favourite books!) Disability is . . .handicap, affliction, disorder, defect, impairment, disablement, infirmity. And if you are ‘disabled’ you are differently-abled (I like that one), physically challenged, weakened (know about that one), crippled, paralysed, lame, mutilated, incapacitated (yes, that’s a good one. . .”I’m currently incapacitated”. . .will try that), inform and bedridden. Written in brackets below these definitions was “referring to people with disabilities as the disabled can cause offence and should be avoided. Instead refer to them as people with disabilities, or, possibly, disabled people or differently-abled people.”. . . .enough from the dictionaries.
Well. . .I’ve never used that word toward myself. . . .EVER. I never even considered I had a disability. . . .nor did my family. . .or at least it was never said verbally. I guess when I had a leg iron strapped to my little leg. . .it must have been more obvious. . . .but mentally. . .it was no part of my reality. . .. .or was it!
The haircut. . .a leftover from hospital. . .I swear ‘they’ tried to make us as unattractive as humanly possible!!! Gone was my long wavy hair. . . and in its place a basin cut. . . .and a leg iron.
This back to the past stuff started a couple of days ago. Ending up in one of those ‘out-of-it’ spaces. . .I was looking through some old journals. . .actually sparked off by Jupiter. . . .!!! you say. . .well, was curious (Gemini Ascendant) as to what was happening in my life. . .when Jupiter (the planet) was in the same spot as he is now. . . .around 12 yrs ago. Fortunately I record a lot of stuff. . .so my journals are always enlightening! And there I was. . .struggling. I forget. . . .often. . .which is certainly not a bad thing. . . I get caught up with all the Beauty and Magick around me. . . it’s very real for me. But I’d have to be thicker than thick. . .to not know I have issues with my Body. . .from time to time. . .and last few years. . .more regularly.
I’m the eternal optimist. . .and I understand and have training in ‘Energy’. I’ve always been curious. . . and I always go searching for ‘answers’. . . .or at least a way that ‘feels’ good to me. Having Polio as a toddler exposed me to many different things. . .so in essence my life was different. . .but it brought out my innate gifts and talents. . .. I figure they go back in my family line. . . .the Earth and her Healing Magick. Life is always giving. . .I see that constantly. . .everything we need has been provided. . . .we don’t have to manufacture or ‘discover’ it. . . .if we open our eyes and our mind. . .we’ll see it before us. It blows me away. . .the awesome intelligence. . . .like, certain foods grow at certain times of the year. . . because that’s when we need them. . . how incredible is that! Also, if you look around your garden. . . .hopefully it’s not been doused in chemicals. . . you’ll find nature’s medicine magickally appearing. . . .yes. . .the weeds!!
Back to the trips to the past. . .and me talking about ‘disability’. You see there’s been a lot of hiding. . .a lot of pretence. . .of lot of denial and a lot of ‘doing what you’re told’. You see the last Polio epidemic happened in the ’50’s. . .for those who aren’t familiar. . .creating illusions. . .was what was happening. . . .perfect pictures of perfect families. . .. usually coming our of America. Neptune in Libra. . . .the illusion of beauty, peace and harmony. . .coming after the second world war and the depression. . .people wanted to believe things were now perfect. Now disability is not part of the perfect picture. I watched a documentary on the Polio Epidemics in the US back then. . .. the greatest FEAR at that time. . .was not death (’cause Polio did kill people). . . .but disability. . . .it shocked me!
Well I lived here in Oz. . . not the US. . .but I’m sure somethings were similar. As I grew up. . .no-one ever spoke the dreaded P word. . . all was diverted on to the path of ‘normality’. As I got older I did ask Mum somethings and she told me. . .but most of the time it was completely ignored, the elephant in the room. . .must have been hard when I had this metal on my smaller leg. So why I’m saying this. . .is this is what I learnt from those around me. . . .ignore it. Well, some would say. . .that’s a good thing isn’t it. . . .don’t want you feeling sorry for yourself. . . .I don’t think I ever felt sorry for myself. . . .but looking back now. . .there’s been a lot of hiding. . . .of lot of pretending. I became good at it. So good that as I became older, I always wore trousers, no one even guessed I’d had Polio . . .and I didn’t volunteer the information.
Can’t remember now. . .how long ago I admitted it. . . .some people were really surprised. . . .I looked so normal. . . .I had succeeded! Or had I?
That’s enough about the past. . .now is now. . . .and I love life. . .and feel so grateful for everything I have. . . .but this hiding and pretending has come at a price. . . .a price I’m now paying. Don’t get me wrong. . .there’s no poor me here. . . .quite the opposite really. . .but what I’ve learnt. . . .if it can help anyone else. . . is not to pretend. . . or try to be what you’re not. . . .it gobbles up too much energy.
You see being an ‘individual’ and a tad ‘nonconformist’. . .I don’t like labels. . .and I’m not a great fan of the Modern Medical System. . .I’m just not. . .I’m sure they have their place. . . but not in my life thank you. It’s why I ventured into Natural Therapies. . .and how I came across this incredible bounty of Mother Nature. So I try to stay away from the ‘diagnosis’ (Post Polio). . . .and ‘find’ myself everyday. . .honour my feelings and how I feel. . . .and don’t feel ashamed when I can’t ‘do’ what I used to do. . . I have to keep my focus strong there. And create a healing environment in my life. . .treat myself and my body with loving kindness. . . ..and all the Healing Magick that exists in dearest Mother Nature.
So the new chapter in my life is. . . ..what is comfortable, nurturing, supportive, enlivening, engaging (my heart). . . .and just plain beautiful and enjoyable. I’m learningto listen to my own needs first. . . .I’m a beginner, I’ll admit it. . . .especially with the psyche of a ‘Healer’. . . but I love this life and I want to be here as long as possible. . . there’s still so much I haven’t expressed. . . .so many of my delicious gifts. . . .from my dear Ancestors. . . .so I’m determined. . .in the gentlest, gentlest way. I guess I’ve always been determined. . .what with Mars in Scorpio. . . jeez.z.z. it’s almost killed me!! But now the gently, loving, nurturing determination of my Heart. . . .and Venus. . . . .Love, love, love
and take advantage of all the incredible energy available. . . .for healing
One thought on “what’s a disability?”
Hi Marilyn…it is such a personal journey for each of us…you have achieved so much and the insights are continuous…I relate to pretending… for different reasons and yet the need seem similar… to be loved, accepted and to feel safe and protected in an attempt to survive in sometimes challenging environments…it seems acceptance and love fir self is the answer to most of our childhood patterns…..