Category: Uncategorized

Art by Francis Baxter

Saturday 28/3/2020

Having the courage to feel it all.  God it’s tender.  It’s as if I’ll die if I let it in.  It carves so deeply into my flesh.  

I fought and won.  Can I win again?  Leave no room for doubt my beautiful marilyn.  Yes, I know… you most often don’t see the beauty.  You carry such heaviness.  It’s not all yours you know.  You’ve been told that before.  I know.  But yeah it’s impossible to distinguish between it all.  Your given nature ~ your blessing and your ‘curse’.

How to feel it all?  Give it space to unfold.  I’m scared of it.  It tried to take me once.  But I fought it and won.  And I was very small.  I’m bigger now… yet weaker in some ways.  At least in my physical body.  I need to call on the strength I have.  Or maybe it’s the mercy.  Allowing those tears that’ve been stored… for how long?  Maybe generations.

Did I ever see my mother cry?  No I didn’t… that I remember.  Stoic, dealing with whatever’s served.  Admirable maybe… wise? No.

The isolation is crowding me in.  It carries imprints from times before.  Places I don’t want to go.  But what’s inside is there… I cannot make it go away.  I need to welcome it into the light.  I’m not sure I’m brave enough.

The terror’s being stirred.

Yeah makes no sense to my logical mind.  There’s always been a war between the two.

Nature will be my saviour… as it has been my home.  Alone in the forest… the wolves my companions. The trees and plants and magick places… always held me.  I’m used to that.  The human stuff is harder.  It’s not my realm of expertise.  The hermit on the hill.  Who flits outside from time to time.

But scurries back to safety.

How do I navigate this space.  The echo’s of the fear, the terror.  The vibration of death around me.  Inside and out… is way too concentrated.  What do I need… to keep myself afloat?

How do I charter this stormy ocean?

What do I need… how do I call it in?  

Maybe for now… a bike ride down to the nature reserve… and do a FB live to my sisterhood.

Lotsa Love to me 💜🌺💜

 

My beautiful Healing Centre ~ Magick Moments ❤️❤️

I’m completing my Solar Journey around the great cosmic wheel.  Have stopped in and chatted with everyone along the way.  I’ve stayed in different houses… met new people.  The neighbourhood changes every time you pass through.  Nothing stays the same… everything’s always moving.

Can get pretty dizzying for a double Earth girl🙃🥴🙃… who likes solid earth under her feet.  Is that why it feels like it does?  Surrounded by (and possible floating on) tons of water.  There are trees though… beautiful trees, where the birds luv to congregate.  Thank the Goddess.  I wouldn’t’ve survived without them.

Lots of lovely old trees.  Gosh… they’re so important for us.  In so many ways.

Like all in the natural world.  Nothing’s created that doesn’t serve a primary purpose. Probably the yucky stuff as well.  To open our eyes maybe??  Shake us from our sleep walk?  We sure can get super lazy… left to our own devices.  Left on our own in isolation.

The Solar Journey relates to the cycle of the Sun around the zodiac… from one birthday to the next.  Sun returns every year to the same degree it was on the day you were born… your Birthday.  In Astro it’s known as your Solar Return.  (Which can fall on or either side of your actual birth date).

From last birthday to this one you’ve taken a journey around the great wheel. You’ve visited many places and had a multitude of experiences.  One complete chapter of your Life.  A chapter specifically related to you and your Solar Journey.

“The Sun reflects the urge within every human being to express himself and grow into what he potentially is.” Liz Green

‘The Sun, natural ruler of Leo, is a potent indicator of the individual’s authentic essence.” Kim Falconer

“Understanding our Solar needs can go a long way toward developing natural abilities.” Kim Falconer

My birthday’s in September.  So currently travelling through the final chapter of my current Solar phase.  A bit like the 12th house in the astrological chart… representing our unconscious mind, as well as the collective unconscious.  Our dark and secret hiding places as well as our connection to the great web of life.  It’s the end chapter of the journey… preparing for rebirth; and a whole new beginning.

Like any end of phase, completion of a journey… it’s a time for rest and integration. A quiet time of reflection.  Acknowledgement of the journey… and where it’s brought you.  Gratitude and thanks for all that’s been given.  Appreciation for yourself. You’ve completed another major step in your evolution.  And probably time for more sleep 😴😴😴

Life is amazing ⭐️⭐️⭐️

 

ĺ

My little friend… in her hidey-hole 💚💚

Continues… the aftermath of the very long day.

It can take a lifetime.  To wash away the mud… the dusty mouldy coat that covered us.  From so long back.  Hidden shame, disgust… how dare you bare your innocence?

Torture, dungeons, prisons… rapes.  Annihilation.  Burning at the stake.  Loved ones taken… all alone.  Hiding from the enemy.  Frightened, scared.

The saviour is coming.  Was inside me all along.

Yeah ~ the road is long.  It’s not a short and nifty journey.  Take a big breath in… step by step inside, not out.

Waiting for the bus… a Leprechaun with ginger wine chatted in stolen voice.  The spirits can do that to you.  Oh yes at first the oblivion ~ feels so good.  I know it.  But the destination is screened.  They don’t tell you where you’re going.

I have an open heart.  I don’t judge indiscriminately.  I’ve lived enough of life… of pain and suffering, to recognise it in another.  I don’t judge the bottle people or those who sleep on benches… there but the grace is me of course.  I often feel compassion.  They’re just a human being like me.

From an early age I would stop and chat to them all… a seer told me some time ago ‘you pick up on others pain’.  Thought to myself… ‘what a bloody stupid thing to do’. Thinking ~ couldn’t I pick up on something else??

My dear mother frustrated at my frequent stops… exclaimed in a gentle voice ‘Do you have to speak to everyone Marilyn??’  ‘Yes’ I replied.  I think she secretly understood.

So what chance do I have?  It came with me in the birth canal.

Back to the bus shelter ~ I was tired and wet.  And looking back, in shock.  The surrounds felt like a circus, in one of those spooky futuristic films.  Eery and strange… behind the show of fun and freedom.

A valley of lost souls… with neon signs and rainbows.  Travellers from all over.  A Mecca for the searching.  For what?  What are we looking for?  We wander far to find it.

Bus finally came.  I’d been in that shelter but out of body.  My senses overloaded. The unheard sounds… screaming for saviour.  So many masks… so much held under.

I’m open.  My gift, as a servant ~ but not as a master.

I need shelter in the store. My auric field is much too gentle.  Made of the finest, exquisite chords… the highest evolved receptors.  I pick up on everything.  How to live that way?  That’s why I need the trees and green and silence.

I hopped on the bus.  When I sat the exhaustion hit me.  It was a long trip home… via Mullumbimby.  In Bruns the streets were bare but for a solitary walker.  With effort I walked… clod, clod, clod, my foot.  The hardest walk I’ve endured for some time. Takes me back to times I experienced that same stressful limitation.  Goes back a long way, I was only 17yrs young.

Made it home.  In almost total overwhelm.  Exhaustion racked my being.  Still with my wet coat on, I started making dinner 🙄🙄  Jumped into the shower… hot water ahhhhh.  Let it caress my body.  Washing away all the energy … geez, how much did I take on??  There must’ve been so much on me (I really need a solution for that! Yeah… I’ve tried many things).

Into my cosy PJ’s, ate dinner on my bed… cleaned my teeth then slept. Hugging my teddy.  Heaps of dreams filled that night ~ ‘Merchandise ~ Selling ~ Buying’.

The end… of my day trip to Byron. (I’m sure it’s beautiful in parts…😘)

🌸🌸🌸

Portrait sketch by Frances Baxter… francesbaxterart on Instagram

Continued… from my day in the big-smoke

My body still in shock.  Exhaustion racks my senses.  My skin’s collapsed, held in place by cartilage and bone.

I’ll never be one of them.  There’s no use trying.  Do I try?  Oh yes.  I have a heart that loves and yearns to respond in kind.  But I need those boundaries firm.  I need to stay firm with my higher guidance.

I can’t afford to get lost.  The journey to myself has been a long one.  And no two are the same.  I can’t look for confirmation… it will never be.  I’ll never see myself reflected in another.

Oh yes ~ the things we share.  But that solitary space can never be divided.  So what does that mean?  How to traverse this wild expanse of living.

It’s easy to get lost… hiding behind those massive pylons; holding up the bridge… to where?  What am I crossing over… what is on the other side?  From where have I come, and where am I going?

The storm was ferocious… not seen such pounding rain for a while.  I had no umbrella and I needed to catch the bus. The bus stop was a few blocks down.

The air had a chill that day… sitting for so long my leg lost its strength.  The cold had put it to sleep… and those bloody runners had little flexibility.  My foot felt like a block of wood.  Clod, clod, clod… they could hear me coming.

Oh god I know that place… I’ve lived and visited over many decades.  It’s not there all the time, depends the shoes, the weather and how tired I am.  But the suffocating angst and tension that spreads across my body.  The tension… oh, I know it well. Trying to walk… for many so easy.

To me each time’s a challenge.

Made it to the bus stop… rain was increasing; began to pour.  The flooding kind… swept through the gutters, collected in puddles all over.

I raced into the shelter… wow, it’s been there for ages.  Remember it from decades ago.  Looking worn and dirty.  Filled with lots of people… from all directions and places.  Alcohol, slight whift of weed (personally I think it’s a better choice ~ weed that is😊).  There was a lot going on in that shelter.

It was the end of the day and it had been an early start.  The early bus to Byron. Two workshops, different groups of people… with only a short break in between.

I really don’t know how I operate.  I usually only feel the impacts.  Why I can’t do what others do?  Well, it’s been an echo in my life.  But man have I fought against it… often to my detriment.

Finding my way… the road gets more and more narrow.  It can feel lonely and isolated… or is that just an echo that’s travelled through the centuries.  My son experiences it too (sometimes).

What is the solution?  To merge fully and completely with my divine inheritance.  To step into the body of me… its shape, its colour, its dimensions.  To dive deeper down, to all the floors… wear my full colours with golden pride.  I can only be myself.

Sounds simple… but from my experience, it’s not at all.

to be continued….

Sending you lotsa LOVE… marilyn 😍🧚‍♂️😍

‘Meeting Your Emotions’ is the module I’m reviewing for my practice coaching session in a few days.  I’ve not yet begun, when I do I might post some things I learnt… in a following blog.

I’m in the end months of completion with my coaching certification.    It’s been a big journey.  Diving down to deeper levels within myself.

I’ve been a fan of LOA (Law of Attraction) for many years.  I also have a very genuine gratitude and passion for my amazing life.  Doesn’t mean it always run smooth. You know what it’s like.

LOA in a nutshell (I’m not an expert) is ‘think it how you want it to be’.  And yes ~ our thoughts have considerable influence on what we do and how we proceed.  The tricky thing is getting to some of those unconscious thoughts… or more accurately, the unconscious realities we store in our body.

I’ve been a big body girl (Virgo 👩‍🦱)  ~ well at least for someone with a strong mental leaning. My mind is strong… and I will say, quite capable.  I give thanks to my ‘genius’ father for that.  Then, my Mother had the most powerful instinctual knowledge; with an ancient earth-based natural intelligence.  They were both pretty gifted.  It’s good to remember this ~ as we often hold challenging memories from our childhood.

What got me started on this, this morning was listening to a recording (LOA/Astro). It stimulated a lot of stuff. I went searching for some things in my shelves of journals.  I won’t go into the details and what it related to… but a potent wave of guilt flooded my body.

The guilt had this distinct flavour.  It was surrounded by grief.  Wo…. grief is a big one.  I’ve been on a journey with that these last couple of years.  After leaving my Sacred Space.

Things go back, everything is connected.  Nothing exists in isolation… it all swims around together.  Years back I was cynical of ‘other lives’.  In fact in my youth I had a strong cynical streak.  Maybe hard to believe… but true.  In one of the writing workshops I attended Rick (Morton – was a great workshop😊😊) reminded us… ‘You got to write the truest thing you know’.

I think it takes years to even get to that point.  Well at least it has for me.  Still gaining the courage to reveal myself.

So digressing (easy for me) ~ ‘past lives’.  I didn’t believe in them.  But since then I’ve ‘gone back’ (that’s what I call it)… I regressed back to another time and space.  Not in my mind.  But in my body.  I was there.  So I can’t say I don’t believe in them anymore.  Some things just are and I don’t know how to define them.  Things just happen.  And when they happen to me… I then know them, I’ve experienced them, I believe them.  If I live it, I know it.

So the grief.  Wo…. it fills my chest.  It’s a thick blanket, covering my lungs.  So much water needing release.  That grief lies underneath the guilt… I won’t go there at least in my mind.  I’ll explore the sensations in my body. Accept them, honour them, allow them to be.  They’ve been there a long time.  And they’ve served a purpose… as everything does.  Now they want my attention.

My immediate sense in encountering a powerful emotion ~ is to freeze or run, bury or distract.  It’s intense to feel powerful emotions… that’s their purpose, to get our attention.  If we follow their lead they will lead us to what’s stored in our body. Everything is stored in our body… everything we’ve ever experienced.  And some from before.  Life is a mystery.

I’ll get back to you with exploring my emotions over the next few days.  The two first ‘Integration Powers’ in our coaching methodology are ‘clarity’ and ‘acceptance’.  I’ll leave you with these.

Clarity that something exists, is clearly seen.  Acceptance is powerful, when we accept something we allow it to be.  Everything within us is valuable and needs to be honoured.  It’s a part of us.  Our Sacred creation.  As my dear Dad repeated often ~ ‘There’s no such thing as a coincidence’.  No such thing as chance… everything is joined and connected.

Becoming more aware is practice.  Like everything.  But I love that we can redirect our focus (even if bit by bit) on honouring and loving every single thing about us. The ultimate goal would be all the time.

I’m still learning… and will be till my last breath.  But there’s nothing really greater than getting to truly know yourself deeply… in every way.  After all ~ We are the gift.

My grief feel lighter already.  And my guilt has moved away.

Life is Magical ~ Lotsa Love… marilyn😍🧚‍♂️😍

The things we do….

Did I make an intention? The day wizzed by with so much activity. Into the big-smoke… once a sleepy little coastal town; beach shacks and surfers, dirt pavements and much more rainforest. A Mecca for those looking for their Shangrila.

As it does, our ways ~ at least during this last major cycle of evolution… we continue to ‘improve’… make bigger, smoother, shinier, faster. Taking up more space… smothering the ground. Cutting down trees, trampling the invisibles under our feet.

We don the crown ~ we claim the chair… velvet voluptuousness, jewel studded; we rule our kingdom.

Others ~ underfoot, above; hiding in the bushes; staying out of our way. Divert their course, get on with the cause… instructed for millennia.

We become hardened, blind, never feeling; dumb and blind and deaf to all but our own cravings for more.

We use, abuse ~ kill and destroy. We’ve become monsters. Could we ever guess the depths we have descended. We continue on my way ~ recreation and conquering. We are masters of our world. Silent weeping fills the gaps. Why we choose the path we do… down into the sewers.

Oh yes, deceiving it is. Lit up like a castle. But scratch the surface, move a few steps closer… what do you see, but oblivion. Lost souls wandering, finding amnesia in the bottle. Or the latest powder or pill.

What have we become? In the glorified name of progress. Where are we heading? Off the cliff, most assuredly.

To be continued……

After a very long day in Byron Bay… my goodness. Yes, it’s my homeopathic nature. Life is challenging for me at times. But the writers workshops were inspiring. On New Moon day and a Venus Return for me… it was a super big day in so many ways.

Now lotsa resting ❤️❤️❤️

Feels good… to be on the other side of the wall.  Or more accurately said… to have the wall dissolved.  God it’s been a big few weeks.

Venus moved into Leo today😊.  Mars has been there a while.  Sun recently came home (Sun rules Leo), and these are bringing a welcome gust of warm, loving Leo air to our midst.  It’s been a long cold winter (even up here in the sunny north).  Plus a massive eclipse season… with Pluto and Saturn holding centre stage.  The harbingers of renewal.  New Moon and Full Moon eclipse have echoed a vibe that played out back in 2001-2002.

I started working as a therapist in 2002… and my Deva-line Flower Essence family was birthed in 2001.

This recent eclipse season brought an amazing amount of movement for me. Movement is necessary for creating change.  Change is created through movement.

It’s been a long cold winter.  With a pretty stirring autumn preceding it.  I’m talking about the weather cycle inside me… my internal ecology.

We have cycles… just like the seasons.  These cycles occur inside us ~ affecting our body/mind, our psyche and our responses to our external environment.

Autumn is a time of letting go, and releasing those things that are no longer relevant to our journey.  Most times it’s not a thought that pops up with ‘I’m going to let go of that’.  It’s often much more discreet.  More like a wave, current or feeling, a sensation or emotion… that first invites and then insists that we surrender those things that are blocking our evolution.

All of nature, and the great fathomless cycle of being, are constantly moving toward wholeness, completeness, unity and belonging.  It’s only us humans that’ve got totally lost (doesn’t say much for our intelligence🙁).

Winter season – internally, requires a lot of rest time; slowing down and hibernating a bit.  ‘Cause you’ve just been through a lot.  All that excavating, digging and pulling apart… diving deep into subterranean pits.  You need integration and recovery.

‘Cause the bits getting drawn to the surface are still in process.  Nature doesn’t have a hit the switch- instant action button.  Everything has a process, everything takes time.  At least down here on Earth.  Things could change… but presently that’s how it is on the physical plane.

So in Winter (internally) your body’s recovering.  It needs time to adapt to all the changes.  It’s as if you’ve been through major surgery.  Same thing in the energetic realm.

Then Spring will arrive… right on cue.  You’ll feel it in the air.  The energetic presence of buds about to burst.  The air seems to have changed.  The heaviness has dispersed.  It feels lighter, warmer… more open.

You feel hopeful and inspired.  You feel different.  You are different.

These cycle continue of course… as we continue to metamorphize.

So celebrating Venus into Leo today 😍😍… the sign of loving affection.  My natal placement has Venus in Leo… and on the upcoming Leo New Moon August 1st here in the south, I celebrate my Venus Return  (when Venus returns to her natal placement).

Can you feel the lift, the shift?  Feels so open and free.  It’s been a long hard stretch this last one… but once again I’m humbled and awed by the great adventure of Life. And how we continue to rebirth… and grow into our most glorious and unique Self.

Happy Creative, Loving Leo time ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

It’s possible I overdosed.  I had three coaching sessions in a week.  That’s a lot for me.  I’m super sensitive ~ and I respond to psyche inquiry very readily.  My psychologist/counsellor friend use to say to me ‘you travel easily’.  Meaning my psychic sense is strong.  And of course it works in its own unique way.  I also coached one session.  (And one of the three sessions was a counselling session… coaching and counselling do differ).

That’s a lot of inviting to the surface ~ no surprise Pluto’s presence is strong; during his retrograde movement he dives even deeper.  As if he wasn’t deep enough😊

Post an avalanche of depth diving, travelling into different times, seeing things. Experiencing them physically in my body.  I got the ‘flu’.    What fascinated me about the symptoms of my ‘flu’… was how they correlated so succinctly with the body/mind experience I had in the counselling  session in particular.

The first day of these ‘flu’ symptoms I was feeling pretty spaced out.  Hardly earthed at all.  I had chills and felt weak and my left kidney (or at least the place is sits at the back of my body) really hurt.  I had my hand on it all the time… I could feel how much nourishment and nurturing it needed.  I don’t remember getting pains in my kidney area before.

Yes ~ I did have three in a row early morning swims… which was glorious and so look forward to doing again.  But the westerly wind was quite chilly.  The ocean was mild but the wind got you when you came out of the water.  Short story ~ I think I got a chill.

But of course what is really happening is that I walk on the path of healing… which has been a life long one for me.  I’ve been digging deeper ~ not satisfied with just enough… but aiming to thrive.  When you dig deep things come up.  We can give it space to stand up, express if it needs and be ready to release.

The experience I had during one session which connected so strongly with my kidney pain… I was prompted to go back to a traumatic event long ago, and I did it purely in my body.  My focus stayed with the sensations and feelings in my body.  I experienced it briefly ~ the absolute terror and shock.  Of course it stored in my kidney ~ my weakened left kidney (from the virus that attacked at the time.

Having the Centaur Chiron ~ Magickal Healer ~ in my house of health and the body.  Like I said my life’s been one long healing journey.  But I’m seriously grateful for all my gifts.  Everything I’ve been given.

Nothing is by accident.

Healing is a powerful thing.  It’s such a natural thing.  Such a sign of the Love filled universe we reside in.

In some ways as I move through time I see that one constant amazing beautiful thing… life in its zillions of forms.  And yet I also feel an expansion.  I feel an opening.  A new world is birthing my friends.  Our focus is powerful.  Vision and create the world you truly Love.

lotsa love ~ marilyn❤️❤️❤️

 

 

image from BuddhaDoodles.com

Stepping out again.  I asked myself ‘what are the first steps?’  I then realised I’m always doing them.  They may be baby steps, or even invisible at times.  It’s easy to overlook what we do.

I cemented my intention a long time ago.  Maybe during my journey through the canal…  my first encounter of a deeply threatening kind.  The walls were so close (or so they seemed)… so unbending I thought.  There was a split second when I considered aborting the mission.  Just for a second… then I said to myself ‘if I can get through this, I can get through anything’.

Our mental state, our sense of safety and trust… support and holding is so enormously important; critical you could say. Especially when involved with the massively transformational journey of birth.

I ‘went back’… to my passage through the birth canal.  It was the day or day after I had my first big ‘crash’ (what I call them)… this one diagnosed as an adjustment disorder. More commonly know as a nervous breakdown.  That sensitive gene obviously inhabiting my family DNA.

It manifested in my Mother’s sister… after the breakdown of her marriage to her philandering red headed extroverted husband.  Resulting in her hitting the booze… replacing food with that frothy amber ale. My Mother’s side is of Irish descent.

It was around 1960.  The process during these times meant anyone who experienced a ‘nervous breakdown’ was put into an asylum ~ a mental hospital. Especially if they were a woman.

She was 42yrs old.  She was fully conscious of where she was and what was going on.  She surmised (trusting the establishment🙁) that as she’d been placed in a psyche hospital she must be ‘mad’.

She quickly began fretting…  expressing out loud her shame and fear and concern that these ‘mad’ genes would be passed on to her children.  She was deeply despondent. Not long after being admitted to the hospital she fell prey to pneumonia and died shortly after.

I clearly remember the night we visited her… just after she’d been admitted.  The scene of that night is painted clearly in my memory store.  It was night time and it was a Full Moon.  We needed to walk through these dark shadowy gardens to get to the main building.  I remember everything  being so dark.  And piercing the air around us were patients howls and screams.  Truly!  Just like a scene from a scary movie.

I was only young.  Maybe twelve or thirteen.  And as we walked into the ward and approached Eileen’s bed… I quickly absorbed the scene.  I could see what was going on.

In my head I said to myself… ‘she’s not mad, she just needs some good nutritional food.’  It was super clear to me.

She died two weeks later believing she was mad.

Somethings have changed since 1960, but no where near enough.

 

Much love ~ marilyn💚🧚‍♂️💚 (Healing Happens❤️)

 

Have I been in the birthing chrysalis? The string of the binding pulled so tight. Yes to keep me safely held (which I couldn’t see) but to increase the pressure… on those remaining globs of energy, stuck on ancient walls.  Dark, steaming mounds… old composted experience, emotions and lifetimes. Generations the parade has continued. Passing from one to another… the baton for liberation and peace.

Healing that swamps generations. Begins as a trickle, then a flow.  Then the dam is burst.  Everything is cleansed in its path.

We begin ~ ’cause we want to feel better, we want to feel good, Love our life… enjoy the precious moments we have here, in this paradise Earth.

We seek healing ~ we look for answers, ones that are congruent with our internal wiring… ones we know are true.

It is possible to know.  Not just believe. We are knowing sentient beings.

Made in the image of the Great Life Force itself… the one masterful Creator of all beginnings, all endings and all inbetweens.

Of course our clever mind can never truly understand.  But we can know it, we can feel it.  And how wonderful to move with it.  Flow with it.  Dance with it.  Share joy with it.

We seek healing ~ along the way we discover we’re not just healing our self. But our entire Ancestral line.   All who’ve come before me and all who’ll follow.

And as we heal our self, we heal our world.  Everything heals.  Life is truely magickal.

❤️🧚‍♂️❤️