I’ve been feeling tired. Zero motivation. My body wants to sleep. I keep distracting myself. Wanting to hold on to what was… while longing to let it all go. BE FREE.
How I Love to MERGE with Life.
I feel stuck… don’t know where I am. I’m not there… and not arrived in next. I’m not sure where I am.
I’m changing… by the second. Shifted… moved into another space.
The ‘old’ boring, humdrum, repetitive… stuck in yesterdays. We’ve moved on… but haven’t arrived yet.
A new experience for sure… especially on such a galactic scale.
Where to go in all the changes? What to ‘do’?
The space is empty… and feeling pretty weighty. Inside out, upside down… everything’s happening all at once. Moving at the speed of light. Yet ambling along.
How to find a language… for those formless places. Not quite here… but present all the same.
Feelings… I know them well.
It’s keeping mind away from them… is the trick.
So much swirling around. I often say if we had special glasses (like 3D glasses ~ only probably 5D at least would be required)…
so we could see the movement of all that formless invisible matter… dancing in our space. Passing through our energy fields into our physical.
I got to know these formless critters when training in Pranic Healing. I mean, words like ‘entities’ were even hard for me to take in. And I’m pretty open (too much unfortunately… but that’s another thing).
We were practicing… during my training; offering sessions for a donation, in the local community. My first ‘public’ experience… extending my skills, practising what I learned.
It was during one of those… that a hand grasped me by the throat. And pressed tight. It was real alright… I was feeling it. But of course on the physical level nothing could be seen.
I’d encountered an ‘entity’ ~ the ones my teacher had spoken of. God… they’re real.
Of course my teacher brushed it off… I recall him saying ‘it’s just your ego..’ whatever that meant. He wasn’t disregarding the fact an ‘entity’ had latched itself onto me. So whatever the ‘ego’ thing meant… I had no idea.
I’ve encountered these formless forms… many times over the years of my practice. I could feel them… and see them. Some big buggers there were. Nasty bits.
I reasoned… that it was all just energy. Too much thinking and analysing doesn’t help.
Why entities are on my mind I’m not sure. Maybe it was my first Pranic session in years that activated the whole thing again.
I’m energy sensitive… ridiculously so at times. It’s not always comfortable. But I can’t change it. I’ve learned (very slowly) to trust myself more and more… as my life’s unfolded.
I’m feeling a lot at present. July’s been a big month planetary wise. These last 18mths have been a bit of a head spinner. This year I reckon more than last.
I’ve been wanting to hermit. Lie on my bed and read novels. The world outside is way too much at times… so much going on. At least under the surface.
So much unexpressed emotion.
So much confusion, uncertainty, isolation.
I get the sense it’s going to get worse before it gets better… whatever that means. We haven’t even encountered the drastic weather changes yet. Our precious Earth is struggling to breath… like I am with my mask. Our lungs full of grief.
It’s a funny thing with emotions … they tend to activate any that are similar… stored away. They go exploring through the halls of the akashic beaming up all the resonant bits.
And yeah Mother Moon’s in Scorpio at present. Scorpio goes deep. He’s an edge dweller. Lives on the edge of nice and good. Hungers for the raw and unpolished.
Lusts after unity. True intimacy and authenticity. Strips us to our vulnerability. Purges anything past its used by date.
Not always for the faint of heart… but worth the journey.
Where can we strip another layer of ‘false’… to get to the true core of everything. After eons of make-belief.
Breathing is good. And I’m sure glad I’m alive… regardless how tender it gets at times.
Allowing the magick to approach… swarm you, absorb you, eat you up… swallow you whole.
Divine presence, limitless inspiration… awe that stops worlds. Sets your entire being at peace.
That ‘God’ is all around us… is never to be doubted.
We are not sinners… we are divine and perfect beings… created in the image of the whole.
I almost didn’t go down… for dawn that is.
Yesterday in the big smoke… ‘checked in’ to 13 places; mask on an off. Slipped down over my nose at times (so I could breath).
The Pranic helped. My first session in years. I’m also a ‘Pranic Healer’… it was the first modality that called me. I remember it well… the day I first met my teacher.
I was recovering… but still deeply in it. The ‘adjustment disorder’ (fancy name for nervous breakdown) the doctor informed me I had entered into.
I burnt out.
At the speed I use to go it’s not surprising.
Add to that the legacy I’ve carried from the Virus visit back when I was three. It’s walked with me since.
Some say a virus never leaves… lodges itself in your body. It gets attached… doesn’t want to leave you.
Way back… when studies were done on the Polio virus… they discovered during autopsy’s that the virus was still alive in various places in the body. Spinal chord and large intestine in particular.
Recently I read a comment someone made about the current virus. She said her father had Polio… and I guess was using that as a backing for her current discussion.
I immediately responded… inside myself.
I don’t regret anything. Well almost😶. I don’t regret having the virus… I figure it was part of my journey. Sure it changed the direction of my life. But me being me… I used that as an adventure. A quest… to get to the bottom of it all.
Being exposed to life and death… isolation (years in hospital) and the medical system… my three year old curiosity (even amidst it all) was ignited.
That curiosity I still have… I’m still on the trail. Still trying to find the ‘truth’ behind it all.
I wouldn’t be who I am, what I’ve experienced, and what I’ve pursued… if that virus didn’t choose me.
This in no way has anything to do with now. I try to stay out of it. It’s a trigger sensitive issue… and it doesn’t take much to ignite.
I hope we all move beyond that. I really do. My whole life has been about ‘caring’. No-one can take my life experience away from me.
I’ve lived it. I know it. I’ve seen it. It’s created the foundation of my being.
So let’s stay civilised… kind and caring.
Not letting our beliefs… no matter how foundational they are… ever get in the way of love.
Otherwise we are doomed.
It’s a huge time… astrologers and ‘Seers’ have warned us for many years. I too have ‘seen’… a long time ago. I’ve written about it for years.
The visions were clear.
A huge change was upon us… we had to clean up the mess. The mess we’ve all created. We’re all in this together.
If you can… find a way to give expression to your emotions. Feel the grief… the loss. It’s real. I know I’ve carried heaps of grief in my lungs.
We carry on on the surface… yet underneath is this tsunami of raging emotions… fear, loss, grief, anger. All bubbling ready to spill over.
They need release… and not at each other.
Taking responsibility for what we feel… what triggers us. Yeah sometimes we fail… but we can pick ourself up and try again.
We’re all learning.
This is a new world.
The old is gone.
It won’t come back
It’s likely to become more intense over the shorter time period.
We won’t change unless we’re forced. That’s proved itself.
So the ‘war’ has begun… where do we find shelter.
The old has gone… allow time for grieving.
It’s not coming back.
Yeah… sometimes the anger surfaces in me, but I’m so used to stuffing it down… morphing then into depression…. heaviness and sorrow.
Yeah… angry at ‘those’ and we know there are some… those that have brought us to this brink. They need to burn in hell.
And yes… at the same time… we all need to take responsibility for where we are.
It’s a weird weird world for sure.
Much love to you ❤️🧚♀️❤️
and ps… as I got the first glimpse of that indescribable golden ball peeking over the water’s edge… my entire body was flooded with the most extraordinary sensations… like a surge of effervescent light rays cleansing all parts of me.
I promised myself a month… had slithering doubts whether I’d make it. I was hoping I could. I mean… not that it’s a monstrous task.
Memories fade. Yet some of them remain crystal clear. How is that? Who decides? Who chooses what stays at the front of the line?
The memory I was trying to pull back ~ was how I felt, as I did the last bits, gathered them all and sent them off.
The end of four years.
Saying that took me right back… that late day on the beach… only been here (back in the area) about 3 weeks. Had no intention of returning. Was just looking for affordable accommodation.
Next step on my road out of Mahalia (the Sacred Site I lived for 7 years).
So three weeks… I was just settling in. Takes a while. Mind moves fast, body moves slow.
I was on the beach… it was getting cold. Day was diminishing, dusk coming soon. Sky was pregnant with heavy weighty clouds… dark as night.
Will there be a chance… to catch a glimpse?
I was willing to wait and see.
Hours it was… as I sat and observed. Couples walking hand in hand. Kids running, playing in the sand. Lone walkers contemplating life… breathing in the magick air.
Surfers… communing with their beloved.
People swimming… having a dip. Jumping in the waves.
I sat and observed.
The hours kept chugging on… it was getting cold.
I wasn’t going to leave… till I caught at least a glimpse.
It’d been a very long time… since I had the chance to watch Moon rise out of the ocean.
It was the Virgo Full Moon… and she sat right on my Sun.
I sensed, as often is the way with me… that this Full Moon was significant. And I needed to be there to welcome her.
Hours built on hours… was almost tempted to leave.
Sky was black…
is there even a crack… that she’ll be able to slip through?
Almost at the point of standing… taking my cold body back to my lodgings…
she appeared
in all her majesty
Black clouds or no… she’s never diminished
We got to commune.
But it was during that time… those hours on the beach
sitting waiting…
observing
watching the interaction
of humans and the ocean
I began to feel.
It came on suddenly
hadn’t beckoned it
Fukushima
filled my mind.
Where did that come from?
Rarely ever give it a thought
I felt the fear… the anguish and the dread
like melted steel
pooled in my gut
It took a life…
overwhelmed the surrounds
I looked at the people
all of them… so many
I looked to the ocean
all the creatures in there
the whales and the dolphins
and all the rest… we rarely, if ever see
the combination of the two… was unthinkable
a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions
‘NO!’ it can’t happen
Then it came… from the pit of my soul
well… that’s what it felt like
I made a request… of the Goddess
Illuminated there in this Virgo Full Moon
‘Can you give me an answer… to heal the oceans?’
In my innocent awareness… I pleaded.
Of course I forgot… that day/night drifted from the top of my mind
I got on with living
being in a new place
But Life didn’t forget
Oh no… not that kind of request
It unfolded
It has a story
Four years forward… I took the road that opened
How will it all translate
create an outcome
we’ll just have to wait and see.
Three weeks ago… that memory I was trying to conjure
how I felt
as I finally sent off the last of my training
Four years… from way back then to now
As I pressed ‘send’
I promised myself I’d take one month off
I was exhausted
Well… there’s one week left.
I’m surprised
I did it.
Wonder what’s next.
Ahhhh Life… by the courtesy of Breath.
Hope your day is magickal… if not, make it that way
This Solstice crossing has been a big one. The biggest I think I remember feeling. The day itself… Monday here, felt magickal. There was this personal visceral sense that vibrated in my body. It felt incredibly special.
I replied to a friend ‘Yes I’m feeling it. So rich, still and present. I feel the spaciousness… this wholeness. All of me.’
My friend Kate had written… ‘this is a time where the celestial cycles draw you closer into your centre… with an invitation to examine what you truly hold in your heart.’ Kate Rydge
I knew what she was saying… it was happening inside me.
I felt like I wanted to stop everything… just immerse in this feeling, these sensations.
The day unfolded.
The days following that special Solstice Crossing… that immersion into a brand new invitation, a peek at where we’re heading… what’s waiting for us…. have been somewhat combobulating.
I’ve heard enough to see it’s not just me… so many have been feeling this energetic presence these last few days. This last week.
For me… I felt exhausted. I mean, even more than before. Like the energy sucked out of me. And a kind of tension pushing in from the sides.
Didn’t have the energy to even try diagnosing it… trying to analyse or give it some meaning.
Trusting the process… allowing the space for all to be. To become, to remove, to continue… to the next frontier.
Yesterday waiting for my friend to arrive… I almost cancelled. My tank felt empty. I had little to give. But by the time I considered it felt too late to pull the plug… so decided to come as I am. No frills or pretence.
Or cleaning the house before😃😃 (YaY… there’s been growth🎉🎉)
Lying horizontal… feet elevated on the cushion, my head sinking in another… I grabbed my journal and pen.
I scribbled… in a big and generous script…
‘I have nothing to sell – but I have everything to become
I’m alone, stationary, still – but I’m connected, surrounded… empty and full both at the same time
I wander – yet I’m always found. I’m unique and I’m the same
I’m separate and joined
I’m ecstatic, I’m sad
I’m still – stopped – fast and moving
I’m a whole host of things
That are finite yet infinite
I know – yet I’m ignorant
I have so much – I know so little
I walk, I crawl. I distinguish – I forget
I’m forever – I’m now
I will be – I am
I’m never and more
I’m complete. I’m whole
I’m empty
I’m so many things ~
All rolled up ~ in one glitter ball
Life is forever and gone
always never
was – is and will be
wasn’t isn’t and never will be
It’s a . . . . . . . ~ that’s for sure (forgot the word😃)
Wandering – jumping – leaping – strolling
forgetting
……. And remembering again’.
Hope you have a lovely day… being you like never before ❤️🌷❤️
I made it… down for dawn. How’s it possible that each and every day begins so totally new? Never a repeat. Something brand new approaching you… each time you show up. Each time you say ‘Yes…. I’m game to have a go😃’.
Space ~ god where can I find the words. It’s such an exotic, sublime, totally absorbing… and familiar place. I’m so drawn to it.
Yeah… could ‘explain’ a bit through astrology… an ancient science been walking with me since I was eleven.
The demander of Freedom… a care-less existence, free to reach the heights s/he sees, never surrenders to being small and held and limited. Uranus of course. Ruler of Aquarius… the great Freedom Fighter, Liberation Rebel.
So yes his placement in my birth chart (all very mathematical, Geometrical and mysterious)… the Universe ~ a Master Professor. Blows my mind.
Suffice to say his presence in my personally created energetic matrix … gives a longing, a desire to live within that boundary-less world. Well… Neptune helps with that as well.
I woke early. About five. Mid-winter here (only just past the Winter Solstice)… so Sun doesn’t surface till later. 6.38am today.
It was dark… but I could still see heavy dark clouds above. Rain was about. It wouldn’t be one of those cloudless wonders… awe inspiring miracles… Sun dominating the sky with no interference. Proclaiming his royalty… King of our Solar System. That’s gotta be one of the most magickal sights.
It wasn’t one of those mornings. I rode my trusty rusty bike along the river, over the footbridge, across to the dunes and parked my trusted friend beside a tree…. set there to wait for me. Then that special walk down the long thin track, bush on either side. Damp sand under my feet. Morning stirring… no light yet. Birds rustling, life getting ready to announce.
Up ahead this slash of red. My heart lifted… let out an excited sigh. There’ll be colour after all.
I love that silent walk in the dark… surrounded by trees, life beginning to stir, feet and toes squelching in the sand. Rugged up for winter… breathing in ocean air. I mean… seriously. How lucky can we be?
Yep sky was packed with dark and heavy clouds… but that slash of orange and red… and then the deep inhales of morning fresh ocean air.
The slash of red reflected discreetly on the waves… as they came to kiss the shore. Tide moving away… back out home. They’ll return again later today. They never go far, never leave completely. Each and every day… like this incredible swing holding and caressing us.
I walked for quite a distance. I stopped doing that a while back. The scars I carry from my meeting with the virus… when I was only small, left their mark.
I’ve walked miles and miles… in my time. Always loved that sense of freedom and space when you’re walking… as if the wholeness opens all around you. Brushing past your face.
I’d hunt out bush areas… wherever I lived. I’d always find one. Off I’d trek, immersing myself in their nurturing.
But I walked a long way this morning… walked half way to Byron. The ocean on one side… the nature reserve on the other… the long stretch of sand in front and behind. I was the first one down this morning.
There weren’t many walkers this morning… black heavy clouds threatening… you could see the rain falling on the horizon. There were only a few. One even went in for a swim.
This Space thing. God how could I ever explain it. Find words to come close. This sense of expansiveness. This place of no walls. This endless being… this place so familiar. It’s the most comfortable I feel. It’s like my home.
We meet each other… but there’s no form to interrupt. Nothing gets in the way. It’s so safe. It’s nothing but it’s everything. It’s pure and sacred yet so simple and real.
It’s present. It’s full. It’s intoxicating. It’s enthralling. It sees me, I see it. We merge. We are one yet separate just the same.
It’s coming home. It’s perfect. I want it to be forever. I don’t want to leave it.
So I walked and walked and breathed it all in. What a miracle. They’re happening all the time and we just don’t see them.
Half way back… the gentle rain began… soaking my hair, dribbling down my face. Dampening my coat.
I looked up to the crowded sky… I smiled, I received the blessings of rain.
Still a few keen walkers kept on in their shorts and teeshirts.
I reached my max with walking… time to return to camp. My cute little cabin in the holiday park. Who would’ve thought!
But that could be all about to change.
Leaving behind all the majesty. All the perfection. The newly discovered each and every day. The beauty… ahhh the beauty.
I remind myself it’s everywhere. It’s never not been where I am.
Marilyn’s Magick🌺 