This is about my fourth attempt… everything sounds far away, trying to analyse, give some kind of meaning. When really it’s mostly emotional.
Virgo, Gemini, Capricorn aren’t known for their free flow of emotions. My ‘make-up’ tends to go to my head.
When everything feels different. And you feel like your being in a whole new person. You’re not who you were… and also not who you’re becoming. Bit like our world that is spinning in transition at present.
Talk about a double whammy.
There are moments when the letting go feels excruciating. I’d thought I’ve experienced that deep grief of leaving something so special… but heh, I guess everything keeps on spiralling.
It’s like there’s no way back. Oh boy, have I had that experience before. And the door to what’s ahead is still closed. You find yourself trembling in your boots on the step of the closed door, too scared to knock. You’ve no idea what’s on the other side.
Fear they say is a common human emotion. I’ve often considered fear to be my primary emotion… connecting to the kidneys which have too been a sensitive part of my energetics.
The virus I had as a child gave them a bit of a wallop… plus the associated trauma. I’ve been so taken care of… with my body’s super power of renewal. She’s truly a wonder.
Viruses… I’ve had a few, and my body is still taking care of me. She’s certainly impressive.
Just 10 days now out of the Covid haze… what a journey that is. Everything keeps on changing. I’m standing in a new space. It’s both fascinating and terrifying.
My home has sold… packing boxes everywhere. I don’t know where to next. I wonder why I do this to myself. And in my f**king three quarter century year… which is simply wild (I think😮).
Everything has changed… I’ve experienced this before. The intensity of it… the both visual and visceral experience of it. The holding on for grim death… being yanked to let go. Resisting, terrified.
I’m such a mixture of so much. Such depth to my feeling nature. An innate need for freedom… space to experience and explore… be all of me. This lust for life.
It’s a wild ride.
I hope some of this makes sense…
To bravery and courage… and joy in letting go… allowing room for more of me to be.
Today’s my beautiful boy’s birthday. Yesterday I ‘went back’ to that evening… I’d invited all my girlfriends around for dinner. They’d all come together to scrub and shine the new flat I’d just moved into. I was ready to pop… delivery day was imminent. It appeared… baby was a bit hesitant in coming out… I was presumably overdue.
I was having a home birth… I was so happy about that. I was thirty six and back in 1984 that was considered old to be giving birth for the first time. Jeez… at 36 I was pretty fit.
What I was remembering was my giggles as the first contractions appeared… all my girlfriends still there, chatting after dinner. I was going into labour. The midwife was called.
The giggles of course morph into things way bigger… as the time progresses. But I’ll always remember that morning… sun was rising… some brave girlfriends still there… as I began to push. My friend who was supposed to be taking pics… fainted. I’ll always hear my dear French friend’s lovely voice repeating ‘maraleen… eh’s talking, eh’s talking.’
I was writing pages in my journal this morning… remembering that time back then and the journey of my life these last 38yrs.
Now bravely conjuring another adventure… everything changes all the time. We learn new ways. This major epoch we’re wizzing through together… is demanding this.
I learn new ways of being me… I’m always in the here and now. What an outstanding adventure life is. I’m soooo glad I have a glimmer of the enthusiasm I used to see so clearly when my son was a child. I need that flame… to keep my flame going. It gets dim at times… I get a bit world weary… I’m always active in one way or another.
Even if it’s consciously resting.
Self Love will be our saviour… and we continue learning. Love and nurturing are so so important.
We’re 12 days past the visit of the ‘historical’ flood. Amid all the rest of things happening on our planet… it’s been hard and difficult for many.
This is the 6th time I’ve tried to write here… this morning I said to myself… ‘I hope I get to write again’… of late it seems to have disappeared.
Except in my journal’s private pages… where my anger rages.
My nervous system has needed me… focused on settling it as lovingly as I can manage. It’s been a lot… many times I’ve been floundering… lost from myself. Lost out beyond… in distant oceans. Been a monster Neptune time. The heaviness out doing itself… I do what I can with what I know to break the cycles ages old that continue to play on repeat. Most times I resort to snuggling with a novel. Removing myself for a while… from this reality of our making.
It’s a fucker of a time for sure. When oh when will the dark lords be taken down? I refer to them as that… the miserable, conniving, heartless beasts… what human would create a system like ours if they hadn’t sold out to Satan.
The anger seeps out from its hiding place. We all have our story… the personal ones that come close. Then there’s the gagging… if not from the lords, from our own fearful self… of upsetting those close to us. So we keep quiet.
The anger builds. I’ve wondered… the morning here still young, the wet still around, I am safe… thousand aren’t. I ponder… how would it be if women stood up on mass and displayed their rage… for what’s been done to their family, their children, themselves. Would that collective rage blow the bastards off their self created thrones.
The anger is deep… ages old it is. Sometimes I ‘go back’… I’ve always done that. Take a little visit to times before. Revisit the scene of the crime. Mostly bloody and terrifying.
I’ve witnessed my body spasm hard… shaking itself free from the iron bars… ejecting the monsters hiding away in places unseen. When something touches them… a skilled hand, a focused intention, a healing presence. Then out they come… body jerks and jerks, sometimes violently… high off the table… my poor spine hurts.
The anger simmers… how dare they touch the children. What will it take, how much will we endure… till we stand and say… it all stops here.
But anger is a foreign bed fellow… we’ve hidden for so long. Forbidden it was… god we did it to our own children. Fearful of its rage… the danger it presented. We’d seen its manifestation. So all anger was outlawed.
Now it stirs… and when not addressed… the shock, the depression descends. This is even more insidious… as it creates a form incapable of movement. Incapable of moving forward.
The anger stirs… we’ll find a way. We’ll find a way to let it speak. The fierceness of the mother… we’ve yet to touch on its power.
Wet, cold, hungry… in despair. Locked up inside… eating us alive. Transformed into a world of robotons… I saw that when I first arrived.
The power of Woman we’ve not touched on it yet… of course it’s shown its face… and we’ve seen the results it’s achieved.
Yet we haven’t touched its capacity. The fierceness of a Woman protecting her child, protecting life.
The anger seeps out from the skin… what a powerful brew. We could make a potent medicine with it. We’re good with making medicines. We’re good with loving and nurturing.
We’re tired and exhausted… it’s been a long road. We’re still here… fighting for our right to speak… often from ourselves.
The air is filled with so much grief… so much anger, so much shock.
Within it all a new time stirs.
Maybe I’ll find my new voice… up ahead somewhere. My fingers itch to move… the pen, the keys. Yet inside is a whirl… a whirl of things beyond my control… I can’t make sense.
I’m lucky… I’m safe. I have a home. Dangers missed me this time. But this is not the end of it. There is so much more ahead.
The anger oozes… will it join and change the world.
Firstly it’s 22/02/2022 (22022022) … which looks pretty magickal😃 Two is a Yin number… an explosion of Sacred Feminine Energy. It’s worth to cast a wish on this day.
It’s Tuesday (here in Oz)… Tuesday is governed by Mars. Mars is raw passionate powerful desire… bit like his mate Eros. They’re intimately connected and wired… to the pure Power of Desire. Mars is pumping his muscles… eager to get moving.
It’s also market day around here… the farmers markets with all their luscious goodness. My kitchen is awash with fresh from the ground sparkling greens… they fill my bench space. And that’s just for me😃
It’s hard sometimes. ‘Tuesday again’ I murmur, heading straight for the chai… to bring me back to functioning. Out of the house by 7am… which isn’t really that early, but having to be somewhere… the crowds of people, the never ending lines… the sweet smiles, the familiar faces, the relaxed northern rivers chill. It’s changing, like everything. It’s not what it was 30yrs ago. Yes, yes… I know… so much has changed since then.
I remember those times so fondly… the famous Mullumbimby… with its strong hippy vibe. I use to go to town in my sarong… fresh out of the sparkling water holes… up on the side of the mountain. It was such a gorgeous era. The local school was fabulous. My son loved it. Those hippies had some things going for sure. Well they’re still around… just older. Might look a bit different. People probably don’t even notice us much anymore. You know what happens when you grow ‘old’.
You never consider you’ll get there, it’s never a thought in your mind that you will change. There’s no guide book. Then who’d want one!
These hippies… created a base, a foundation… it’s solid now and growing more and more green shoots. It’s the foundation. It’s the Earth based approach. The only one.
How we could forget that… that Life must be the priority. An environment that we can thrive… not just in our bloody minds… but most importantly in our body.
Without a body we’re not here.
Sure there’s a lot to contend with… god. Talk about the mad machines on RNA speed. God only knows what’s being concocted.
We wander too far from what is real and true. We forget our vulnerability. We forget our place. We forget what a miracle must have made us… and gave us the gift of being here.
We get so arrogant… that we believe we know more than ‘God’ (whatever you name that presence and power). We reckon we can do better than what’s already been provided for us… we think we can do better. Improve it… make it work better. Or more likely… make it work for us… so we can make tons of cash.
We’ve lost our heads… let alone our common sense.
Took me back… those last words… to a time way back in years, I was on a plane to the States for a special event. Back in the day when I travelled overseas. I was sitting next to this distinguished older businessman, I remember him as being both intelligent and wise… we were chatting. He said to me ‘common sense is uncommon’. I must’ve heard it before of course… but him saying it that day, sitting high above the clouds, speeding through the sky… it really stuck with me and I’ve always remembered our meeting.
It’s all around… ‘this is the wrong way’. Personally for me it’s getting harder to live with. But live I will and find a way.
There’s one thing more current… my heart sunk when I heard the news. This morning on the way back to the cabin I decided to see if they’d finished. If it was operating.
And yes. They had and it was… standing grotesquely within the Bowling Club fence… ‘the new 5D tower’.
I don’t understand people’s thinking. Don’t they have adequate brain power? At least some curiosity… hesitation, doubts, considerations?
Regardless of your view on 5D technology… its indisputable they emit electromagnetic waves of energy. And it’s constant… it’s always on. So anything that is close by… gets a constant dose.
This particular one is just as you drive into Brunswick Heads (there goes the house prices I thought…). But seriously…
Just metres across the small side road is a kids skating park… and oval where local football is played and schools use for their sports days.
And it’s a regularly used place for walking the dog.
It was one of my favourite bike rides… down to the sanctuary.
The sadness weighs heavy. I wish we were all so much smarter than we are.
There’s plenty on the effects of these towers if you wish to investigate… get curious. There’s no need to make yourself a tin hat.
As humans we can emit such ignorance. Yet we have such enormous potential.
The years ahead could get rocky… I’ve heard from many a trusted source.
For me… I’ve known for years that it would all come to a head. That the powers that be would not even consider handing over their crown.
That it could get dirty.
But heh… evolution always wins.
Whatever’s going on we have life… while we do. Magick exists… I know that for fact. We live amongst it.
The contrasts are bound to become even more polarised. It’s easy to judge… we all do it. At least to some degree.
Where will we find our heaven? Our peace… our magick world. Amid all the turmoil. As one massive Age fights to hang on… yet Love and Light will always win.
Love and Light are real things… not a new age chant. That’s what life is made of… Love and Light and Sound.
Finding our safe space…. I wish you lots of goodness.
My body (my self) has been in a funny place this year… not peals of laughter… although that happens at times. It’s more the depth, a new level of conscious awareness… of being, of experience… deep ripples and emotions making their way to the surface. Some Ages old I’m sure. Some deep dark spells from the past come to show their face.
The waters are deep here in 2022.
That last full moon was a wowzer… the current first rolled over me on Valentines morning… soon as I woke I felt it. God it was heavy. Heaviness I’d not encountered before… at least that I remembered. It was big and dark and black… a monster… I felt I had no strength against it. This was another level uncovering.
It never stops. Just because you’re a teacher, a coach… with some kind of expertise. I don’t believe we’re ever expert at anything. How can we be? When everything constantly shifts and changes… there’s only one expert and that’s Life.
We hold the flame of Life within us… it’s what allows us to be here. To do and be and dream and pray… Life gives us permission to do so many things.
And each day when Sun shines his brilliance… another brand new day surrounds us. It looks familiar, things around look the same… but really it isn’t… it’s completely brand new. Can we say the same?
So many things weigh us down… all our beliefs, all our ideas. All our possessions, all our dreams… all our everything digging a great big hole… to bury us in.
It goes fast… Life that is. Gone in a breath. Breath no more.
2022 sure has been strange. We thought we had a taste of it the last two years. They seem to be getting more and more creative. Bigger and bolder. Maybe it’s the time we currently find ourselves in… as residents on planet earth within the surrounding massive cosmic play.
When a long and arduous (seemingly never ending🥺) Dark Age crumbles to the ground. The Golden Age on its way. It’s said that it’s the darkest before the dawn. Many could see there was a battle ahead… the signs have been there for a long time. But of course we never know just how it will present… until its here.
The contrasts are enormous. As I sit on my back deck snuggled into the mangroves surrounding me, supported, loved and wooed by the Mother… I watch a pelican glide through the mangroves on the other side of the river creek. Sun light sparkles on the water’s surface… wind’s breeze ripples the water into baby waves. I want to be there… doing that very thing… gliding through the mangroves. Tide’s coming in… it’ll soon be full, then I can slip out the back… float through the mangroves and immerse in the wonder. Go visit my beloveds on the other side of the creek.
I trust Life… I do. She’s got me through. Every time. She never abandons me… even though at times I feel alone, isolated and forgotten… I know I never am. Light and Love illuminate my insides. I feel blessed… amid all my judgements. And that’s fine… I’m human.
I’m learning to love my self more and more… fully, unconditionally, whole heartedly. It’s taken a lifetime. The learning, the growth, the joy keeps on keeping on till our last breath departs… and we fly off somewhere else. Who knows where.
We’ll never be perfect… but we are who we are… and that is something very special. As the great masters proclaim… there never was and never will be… in the great expanse of everything… another you. So you and I better make use of it while we’re here. You are, I am… a one-off original. An absolutely uniquely amazing one-off model of a human being.
No one else can do things just like you… no one can do things just like me. In that we can help and support.
I’ve sat on that log a number of times… there’s a lot more moss at present with La Niña about. It’s a bit like faerie land… faerie land Oz style. I remember the time on my ‘silent walk’… I sat on that trunk for a while… feeling and listening to the silence. Of course it’s never silent. Silence has a sound.
The extraordinary adventures we did back in 2020… the early beginnings of ‘it’ all. Guided into deeper realms of seeing and hearing… all that surrounds us. Immersing more fully in nature… the vision quests we did. The magick… the challenges. The ‘sit spots’. Blessed opportunities to commune with this wonder of wonders, our most sensational Mother Earth.
And this morning a swim. A luxuriate in the river creek… tide heading back home, high tide past… sure has some strength. I swam and paddled and walked a long way… open river all around as far as I can see. Being immersed in ocean feels so good… I feel strong with her support. Her strength. The most sensational mangroves bordering either side.
The billions of life forms we never see. All radiating presence… all contributing… harmony, growth… in flow with the whole. Us humans the only ones not. We can… we will.
Remembering where we are… as we stand in within ourself in now.