It’s 6.40am… the 6th day of 2022
I feel lost and lonely and spent. I feel empty of myself. What’s happened to me since being here?
I feel stuck… empty… end of the road
I wrote…’I can do it… I just don’t know how yet’ (borrowed from ‘George’s Amazing Spaces’😃)
I’ve created all these amazing spaces…
Now during this time… it appears almost impossible. But somewhere inside… I know it never is.
But the doubts are floating to the surface… the flood ready to consume.
I’m lost… without hope… many moments I sleep walk… thru the day.
Each day on repeat… wandering in a dream. Wasting precious time. Not accomplishing anything.
How can I change it?
This Magick year of Bliss and Challenge… walking hand in hand.
I’m washed out… devoid of all I had. Neptune’s moving away from being close…
What’s left after these few years?
Sprouts of inspiration arise… I can see the path unfolding… then it closes over.
Depression… my old friend. Hiding from the hordes… wishing for what?
What is it I want?
What do I hunger for?
What’s brought me to this doorway?
There’s a shift… yes
I feel like a flattened dead fish
I’ve lost everything.
Oh my god… the triumph of Loss
has it taken it all… left me with nothing?
Except the despise… for myself
the self hatred festers… oh where did it come from?
This cruel and barren land.
Left cut open… bleeding dry. They take all they can.
Just leave a corpse… swelling, stinking
no good even for compost.
What happened… what did I do wrong?
The old holding on… ‘it’ll rise to the surface’ I wrote.
Self despair… self abomination
Where does it have its roots?
From what pile of shit did it fester?
My body heavy on the stool… my favourite orange stool
from which many words have been written.
It’s a crossroads… but what kind?
Where to from here?
To the rubbish tip?
My bottom feels squashed… between me and the orange vinyl.
Year after year after year
all the houses
all the homes
And look where I’ve ended up.
“They have to give you value for value’… the people on our side
Back into war
it’s been a time of it here
not long after I arrived… the bombs wizzing over our heads
the fighting… the greed… the jealousy… the hatred
This place called Paradise… has an underbelly
Guess it’s always the way… this civilisation we’ve built
The cracks keep appearing… getting deeper, wider
The little elves… with dead eyes… automated from that central place
scurry with speed
to fix the decay
But this battle can’t be won… by those who destroy.
Their maker is near… their end in sight
But at present we simmer in their poisonous brew
And it’s hard to take.
Feels like we’re dying… disappearing in the quick sand
The motors roar
the stink overwhelms
the robots march
The darkest before the dawn.
They said it would be that way.
They said not to lose hope… don’t let go of the rope
You can see the Light (they remind)
it never disappears.
It’s just the clouds are thick… low and heavy
they block out the light
How did I get here… where everything is disappearing?
I remember the dream…
although that’s not what it was…
The visionary paths… created… opened, in that magick space
It was White Buffalo
sweat poured from his body
he moved at great speed
me on his back.
He had a purpose… that was clear
he had a destination to reach
As we rode across the land… tears ran down my cheeks
as they dropped to the ground…
they turned it green
I looked behind me… from where we’d come… the land turned green.
My tears were turning the land green.
We got to the base of the mountain
White Buffalo almost spent
he scaled the mountain with his eyes… breathed in deep
And took the final charge.
We made it to the summit… probably in the nick of time.
That radiant golden arch above… our heads
created by Sun… a shield for us.
Our bodies crumbled to the ground… my head resting on White Buffalo’s massive belly
We fell into the deepest sleep.
I still heard it all…
it all falling down.
The rumble… the silent noise…
the air filled with smoke
Piles of rubble strewn everywhere…
then we awoke…
found ourselves in a different space.
We stretched our limbs… breathed in the new air
everything had changed (that’s happened to me before… I’m strange like that)
I hopped back on his back
We slowly descended the mountain
we moved very slowly… taking in the new surrounds
We got to the base… continued over the land
Now very slowly
adjusting to everything
Tears tumbled again
slowly down my cheeks… as I took in the terrain.
I miss those Magick Baths… will I ever get down there again?