I went to see my counsellor yesterday… first time a few weeks back… in a while .
She really helped me through a particular passage. It was during my training when old trauma got activated. Trauma I never knew I had.
In the coaching world ~ Trauma’s been a bit of a buzz word. It can be off-putting when things get ‘trendy’. It does for me. Virgo desiring purity. What’s real and true.
A challenging goal at times.
I made the appointment as I’d been feeling flat… my usual trust and eagerness sitting like a puddle on the floor. I wondered… ‘is this a form of depression?’
It was subtle… not that intense trauma reaction that has you just wanting to die. Sliding down into black holes… you never knew existed.
No ~ it was much more subtle than that.
But it was obvious.
I’ve always been one that’s quietly driven. Enthusiasm in spades… find what lies around the corner. Under the surface.
My life’s been one huge adventure. I’ve been fearless, open, willing to have a go. My curiosity knows no boundary lines. I was a gleeful student of life.
I was clever… thanks to my heritage. I had a powerful intuition. Friends tell me things I said to them years ago. I don’t remember. Can’t see myself even saying such a thing.
I wondered… was I in some kind of trance? Was it a message just zipped down to me… and out it came from my mouth.
I don’t know.
I was fearless. I also carried a heap’a fear in my cells. It walked close to me my whole life. But I was fearless all the same.
I was an adventurer, an explorer… a pioneer. I just needed to find out what it was all about. I never gave up. No matter what struck… I’d brush myself off and go again.
I’ve learned a lot. I’ve observed a lot. I have a killer (in the nicest way💝) Instinct. It’s a powerful thing.
I’ve had my wounds. My life’s been one of Healing and the Healer. It plays music through my veins.
I feel connection to those who came before me. I’ve seen them. They sometimes visited.
In my youth I held for my very life… to my intellect. It was clever they told me. I doubted anything that couldn’t be explained. I constantly tried to drown out anything that just didn’t make sense.
I mean how can these things really happen?
They’ll think you’re mad. You can’t have that. You’ll be separated from the tribe. You know what will happen… it’s happened before. The memories and vision of which still play on your screen.
History repeats itself. Again and again. Till we learn.
I like my counsellor… I feel comfortable with her. I went feeling tired, like all my air had gone… a deflated balloon. But that often happens to me during Dark of Moon.
But I could feel it enough to make the appointment. Something lingering on the edge… could see it through the corner of my eye.
Depression… is that what it is?
Talking together… I kept getting distracted. Into the superficial, the practical, the surface. Fortunately she could see me… offered me another road, redirect my focus. Back into my body.
You’d think after all the years of training in somatic coaching I’d be an expert😌😌
Well… we always work on our self first.
I stopped my jabbering of inconsequential… noticed my sneaky one that loves to distract me. She’s cheeky.
I settled in my body.
I saw myself dissolve… into a puddle on the floor.
She invited me to go deeper into this.
She kindly lay down a mat and a blanket to cover me with. I felt safe. Well almost.
I curled into a bundle… making myself smaller and smaller. Trying to disappear.
But there were two things going on.
There was movement too… an electrical kind, like nerve energy impulses.
She invited me to let them both be.
I did… went from one to another. Let them be there… and express.
Then the screaming started… silently of course (my body contracts as I write those words).
My pride still in tact.
It was the loudest, piercing scream. Like an energetic force forming a rod and piercing it up to the sky. It was a powerful scream. Like it contained all of me. I gave my all to it.
I’ve heard that scream before. I’ve had many ‘going backs’… a weird quirk of mine. Could be all the Neptune💙
I’d heard that scream… relived that scream, many times.
Then came the ‘No’s these were less energetic… she’d been exhausted by that full bodied scream.
But they continued and repeated.
Then I was spent… my breathing through it all changed rapidly. I became still, everything quiet. Back to the puddle… yet it was no longer water. There was some substance.
I came back. Wiped some tears. I felt really tired. Still back at home… till I went to bed.
Another slow day… nurturing myself.
It’s beautiful working with the body. She’s simply amazing. Truly amazing. I love our relationship. She’s such a Powerful Healer.
Be kind to yourself. Extra kind and Loving. Lots of stuff being activated. Man ~ talk about ‘them’ putting on a show’ (the dark side😃😃)
Doing lots of loving things for You. Luxuriating in full body sensation. Wherever you are in yourself right now… no judgement. Judgement is ugly.
Luxuriate in Goodness. In Yourself. More than just accepting where you’re at right now… but actually Loving it. Adoring it unconditionally.
Powerful Healing Magick
It’s Virgo time… how perfect
much love ~ 🧡🍄🧡