stepping out ūü¶Ą

image from BuddhaDoodles.com

Stepping out again. ¬†I asked myself ‘what are the first steps?’ ¬†I then realised I’m always doing them. ¬†They may be baby steps, or even invisible at times. ¬†It’s easy to overlook what we do.

I cemented my intention a long time ago. ¬†Maybe during my journey through the canal… ¬†my first encounter of a deeply threatening kind. ¬†The walls were so close (or so they seemed)… so unbending I thought. ¬†There was a split second when I considered aborting the mission. ¬†Just for a second… then I said to myself ‘if I can get through this, I can get through anything’.

Our mental state, our sense of safety and trust… support and holding is so enormously important; critical you could say. Especially when involved with the massively transformational journey of birth.

I ‘went back’… to my passage through the birth canal. ¬†It was the day or day after I had my first big ‘crash’ (what I call them)… this one diagnosed as an adjustment disorder. More commonly know as a nervous breakdown. ¬†That sensitive gene obviously inhabiting my family DNA.

It manifested in my Mother’s sister… after the breakdown of her marriage to her philandering red headed extroverted husband. ¬†Resulting in her hitting the booze… replacing food with that frothy amber ale. My Mother’s side is of Irish descent.

It was around 1960. ¬†The process during these times meant anyone who experienced a ‘nervous breakdown’ was put into an asylum ~ a mental hospital. Especially if they were a woman.

She was 42yrs old. ¬†She was fully conscious of where she was and what was going on. ¬†She surmised (trusting the establishmentūüôĀ) that as she’d been placed in a psyche hospital she must be ‘mad’.

She quickly began fretting… ¬†expressing out loud her shame and fear and concern that these ‘mad’ genes would be passed on to her children. ¬†She was deeply despondent. Not long after being admitted to the hospital she fell prey to pneumonia and died shortly after.

I clearly remember the night we visited her… just after she’d been admitted. ¬†The scene of that night is painted clearly in my memory store. ¬†It was night time and it was a Full Moon. ¬†We needed to walk through these dark shadowy gardens to get to the main building. ¬†I remember everything ¬†being so dark. ¬†And piercing the air around us were patients howls and screams. ¬†Truly! ¬†Just like a scene from a scary movie.

I was only young. ¬†Maybe twelve or thirteen. ¬†And as we walked into the ward and approached Eileen’s bed… I quickly absorbed the scene. ¬†I could see what was going on.

In my head I said to myself… ‘she’s not mad, she just needs some good nutritional food.’ ¬†It was super clear to me.

She died two weeks later believing she was mad.

Somethings have changed since 1960, but no where near enough.

 

Much love ~ marilynūüíöūüßö‚Äć‚ôāÔłŹūüíö¬†(Healing Happens‚̧ԳŹ)

 

the passion to heal ūüßö‚Äć‚ôāÔłŹ

Have I been in the birthing chrysalis? The string of the binding pulled so tight. Yes to keep me safely held (which I couldn’t see) but to increase the pressure… on those remaining globs of energy, stuck on ancient walls. ¬†Dark, steaming mounds… old composted experience, emotions and lifetimes. Generations the parade has continued. Passing from one to another… the baton for liberation and peace.

Healing that swamps generations. Begins as a trickle, then a flow.  Then the dam is burst.  Everything is cleansed in its path.

We begin ~ ’cause we want to feel better, we want to feel good, Love our life… enjoy the precious moments we have here, in this paradise Earth.

We seek healing ~ we look for answers, ones that are congruent with our internal wiring… ones we know are true.

It is possible to know.  Not just believe. We are knowing sentient beings.

Made in the image of the Great Life Force itself… the one masterful Creator of all beginnings, all endings and all inbetweens.

Of course our clever mind can never truly understand.  But we can know it, we can feel it.  And how wonderful to move with it.  Flow with it.  Dance with it.  Share joy with it.

We seek healing ~ along the way we discover we’re not just healing our self. But our entire Ancestral line. ¬† All who’ve come before me and all who’ll follow.

And as we heal our self, we heal our world.  Everything heals.  Life is truely magickal.

‚̧ԳŹūüßö‚Äć‚ôāÔłŹ‚̧ԳŹ

 

 

 

Telling your storyūüĆü

Camperdown Children’s Hospital ¬†(image from i.pinimg.com)

‘It is a strange thing that all the memories have these two qualities. ¬†They are always full of quietness, that is the most striking thing¬†about them; and even when things weren’t like that in¬†reality, they still seem to have that quality. ¬†They are soundless¬†apparitions, which speak to me by looks and gestures, wordless and¬†silent – and their silence is precisely what disturbs me.’ ¬†¬†Enrich Maria Remarque,¬†All quiet on the Western Front

Looks like a haunted house! ¬† Like something out of the Adam’s Family. ¬†At least that was my first impression. ¬†And the one after that… and after that. ¬†It still looks haunted to me. ¬†It quite possible is.

I resided in that ‘house of horrors’ for a while… long time ago now. ¬†But the resonance of that time continues to unravel.

You hear the word trauma… I certainly had. ¬†But never connected it to me. ¬†Oh yes I figured there must’ve been a scar. ¬†That it must of changed me in some way. ¬†But really I had no idea of the magnitude. ¬†And the resulting patterns and grooves that continued to unfold my life.

‘The “night sea journey” is the journey into the parts of ourselves that are split off, disavowed, unknown, unwanted, cast out, and exiled to the various subterranean worlds of consciousness. . . . The goal of this journey is to reunite us with ourselves. ¬†Such a homecoming can be surprisingly¬†painful, even brutal. ¬†In order to undertake it, we must¬†first agree to exile nothing.’ ¬†¬†Stephen Cope

What those early years did ignite in me was a serious and long term passion for healing.  And an also long term curiousness about the psyche; what influences us to act and think the way we do.

                                                            ♥♥♥

Last birthday I turned seventy. ¬†Yeah that sounds significant. ¬†I’d never been particularly age concerned before. ¬† Yes as we age we experience changes, in particular the different responses we elicit from the world around us.

But it’s certainly venturing into a whole new chapter of life… the closing decades of a life cycle. ¬†Of course our departure from Earth can happen at any age and is not dependent on ‘growing old’.

I’ve reached elder years… but am yet (at least publicly) to declare myself that. ¬†In some ways I’m back still at different ages trying to find myself. ¬†‘Cause all of me exists inside me. ¬†Everything I’ve done, everywhere I’ve been, all I’ve ‘achieved’, all I’ve ‘lost’, everything that I’ve ever experienced is safely filed inside me.

And each one of us is entirely unique. ¬†Meaning never has there been or never will there be another one of you. ¬†It’s hard to truly get the mind blowing significance of that… and the OPPORTUNITY.

The thing about life is that it keeps on keeping on until it doesn’t anymore. ¬†We get a chance to ‘perfect’ this amazing creation called ME.. until the last breath leaves. ¬†Of course everything is ALREADY PERFECT… we just keep getting opportunities to know and accept this more and more.

I love living. ¬†I do. ¬†And my focus is to be here as long as I can. ¬†It feels like such an amazing opportunity… to be here on Earth and be exposed to so much experience and involvement. ¬†So much potential to grow, evolve, understand, know, experience, enjoy, love, rest, acknowledge, honour, play, accept, surrender, flow, study, learn. ¬†And the list goes on.

What prompted me to write today was the courage needed to tell your story. ¬†To be truly authentic, open and honest. ¬†An author friend of mine shared a quote I’ve always remembered… forget the exact quote but it was basically to become a writer/author you need to be BRUTALLY HONEST. ¬†That’s a journey in itself.

You could think this was easier now than it’s ever been. ¬†With the distribution and exposure available now on the big wide web. ¬†But does it make it any easier to be truly authentic, open and true to your core?

I don’t think so. ¬†‘Cause that seems to be the result of a deep internal navigation of your being. ¬†It doesn’t happen overnight. ¬†Yeah doesn’t mean we all go at the same speed. ¬†We have our own unique timing. ¬†We have our own way of approach, resistance and procrastination. ¬†We have our own fears. ¬†We have our own wounds, our own trauma… whether big or small. ¬†But I don’t think you can measure them.

I’ve always been motivated and inspired to participate, to create, to share. ¬†To be a part of our collective community. ¬†To play my part in making a wonderful world. ¬†And I’m a writer… I write. ¬†Started and continued for many years with poetry… until it changed form.

I don’t know why… but it feels like I get impulses and messages in my head, that travel down my arms and need to flow out of my fingers. ¬†I read once that marilyn meant ‘story teller’. ¬† Well I have this crazy desire to tell my story. ¬†I luv stories and I think everyone has a fascinating one.

So the big thing is the HONESTY. ¬†The open authenticity… of not hiding anything. ¬†I’ve always leaned on the PRIVATE side. ¬†Remember my first impression of Facebook (back when it started)… couldn’t imagine ever participating. ¬†Sharing your personal details publicly for all to see…. I was aghast!! ¬†Took me a while before my desire to write and share broke through that one.

But it’s still not easy for me… I’m still learning. ¬†And during my recent training in Sex, Love and Relationship Coaching I stumbled across a heap of old hidden stuff. ¬†Deeply tucked away in my psyche. ¬†I was drawn to this training for what I’m sure appears like a very strange reason. ¬†The reason ~ ¬†to HEAL THE OCEANS. ¬†I’ll share that story another time. ¬†But there is a connection. ¬†A connection between woman’s WOMB and the deep mysterious oceans on Earth.

So I wanna tell my story… not because I’m anything other than myself. ¬†We all have talents and skills for a reason… and that is to share. ¬† To contribute to the healing and restructuring of our wonderful community on Earth.

So wish me courage… and love.

Acting is not about putting on a character but discovering the character within you: you are the character, you just have to find it within¬†yourself –¬†albeit a very expanded version of yourself.’ ¬†Tina Packer

much love ~ marilyn‚̧ԳŹūüĆł‚̧ԳŹ